I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
