sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
