You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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