I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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