I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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