i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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