Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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