I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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