separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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