It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
