I think my vagina is haunted
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
