Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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