I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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