barbara walters just said penis...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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