I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
