fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
