Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We have started to decorate penises.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
