You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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