so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
