Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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