mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
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He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
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I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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