my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.