Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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