All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
