saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
