i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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