Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
