Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize