dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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