The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
