You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
