If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
