i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
