true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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