so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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