I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
