i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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