Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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