Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize