ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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