You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
