Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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