the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize