Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
