he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
