I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My feet surprised me
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
