Why is your signature on my underwear?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
