I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
