Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
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i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
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It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.