was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.