I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
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She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
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I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks