I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.