so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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