Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
