Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Boobs speak an international language.
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
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As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize