I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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